Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize