Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.