its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.