This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary