I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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