At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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