Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
