guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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