broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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