Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
