and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How does it feel to date your dad?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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