Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
