i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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