my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
