I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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