I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
