Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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