Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
