I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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