im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
