Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She bit a glass in half.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
