I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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