nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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