kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
high people should be assigned attendants
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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