I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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