Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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