Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
