Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
