Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
