Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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