I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
