I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
