Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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