I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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