It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
