So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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