Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
