That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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