have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
