so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
