she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
