At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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