once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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