If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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