y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Randomize
