I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
