I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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