Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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