Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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