R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
