How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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