I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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