I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
why is half of my head shaved?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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