Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
