If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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