I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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