woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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