I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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