you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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