she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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