You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
