So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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