I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
