Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
